Hey guys, it's been a while.

idk if anyone bothers to read this.
but i really need some help. i mean, i've talked about it.
but still. i feel really bad.


So heres the deal.
one of my best friends was dating one of my other best friends, for like 8 months or something.
long time, yes? at least, for us teens. we tire of one another's company so easily.
anyway, onward.

so, she's dating him.
i've known him for a really long time.
you all know how easily i get attached to what i can't have.

but not just for that reason, obviously. i dont have a complex that makes me want to be miserable.
i dont think i deserve it or anything.

except for sometimes.
.....
.....
but i digress.

when we were freshman in high school, this guy helped me through one of the harder points in my life, when my depression was at its worst. i wanted to kill myself, and he was holding me back. he could make me smile on my worst days. he knows just how to read me. he knows whats wrong, all the time. he can tell just by looking at me.
so naturally.
i fell in love with him.

and here comes this.
just you wait.
you will most likely want to slap me.
i did. want to, i mean. i wanted to cut myself.

you see, he used to like me, as well. i didnt know how much he liked me. i know he doesnt know how strong my feelings are. i dont think i want him to.

so one day, i was at his house, and we were watching billy and mandy, and joking around like usual. normal day. and all of a sudden, things were happening. he was kissing me. i was kissing him back. i was trying to stop him, but i know i was pulling him closer right after i would push him. hands were moving, you get it. things, they happened.

they were still going out.
you may now hit me as hard as you like.
i wanted to puke, later. when i thought about it.
obviously, not when i thought about it. but when i thought about what i'd done to my friend.

and, i just, i feel so bad, but i love him so much.
i would have let everything go and completely gone as far as he wanted to.
we went far enough. i stopped him. he obviously wasnt thinking with his brain anymore.


so then, recently, they broke up.
not because she found out, just for other reasons.
and, for one reason or another, she discovered my feelings for him.
she said she could tell already, and that it was okay.

but i dont think it really is.
she seems upset.
he wont talk to me.
he still follows her everywhere.
waits for her in the hall.
sits with her at lunch.

i want to talk to him. i've tried, and he says he wants to date but he has mixed feelings.
because she aparently told him she thought it was fucked up that i liked him, because "he's hers."
thats her opinion. hes still her property. even though they arent dating anymore.

and people cannot own one another in the first place, but that is beside the point.
or they should not.

anyway. you would think i would leave it at that, and just let him work through things.
but no, i'm an insane person.
i have to pick. and probably annoy.

even though his phone is mostly broken and he only receives about 1 in every 10 messages i send him.
idk. i feel somewhat defeated.

someone needs to help me, please. i feel broken.

i cry all the time. i feel bad for all of my friends because im always crying at lunch and they don't know what to do. they try to help, i love them, so many of my loves. doing their best.
god, dillon tries so hard. and chris, and tom, and collin. even collin, all the way from oklahoma. and sarah, sarah is trying so so hard.

its not helping.
i need him to be mine.
or at least just to tell me off.
but still. stringing me on, not telling me yes or no.



i don't know how long i can keep it together anymore.
i'm falling apart.